I feel blocked. I feel uninspired. Or maybe derailed.
I want to write. Yet I get sidetracked by my own ego. I started a blog with the intention of writing more, and to a degree, this has helped. I do write more.
But I also pay too much attention to the stats page. There is a social aspect to blogging that I didn’t see coming. Now it matters to me whether or not someone’s reading my blog. And then the self consciousness sets in. I forget what it is I wanted to do in the first place. I read about blogging, and how to improve your views, gain followers. Reach out to others, start a conversation, generate interest. And I’m lost in my ego again. Self-worth from a stats page.
After a few months I set up a blogging schedule. I assigned a topic and style for each day of the week. I gave myself themes for each month as well. It was all laid out. All planned.
Then the resistance crept in. Instead of being excited to write and post, I felt stymied. Today I feel like writing but I had scheduled a photo. Yesterday I felt wordless, but had planned philosophical ranting. I became my own authority to rebel against and jumped right into it.
I got sick. I gave myself permission to take time off to heal. Then permission to skip a day if I didn’t feel inspired. Then I questioned the whole point of blogging.
When it gets down to it, I want to write. Despite my limits and lack of experience and practice and skill. And I do want you to read it. If I know you’re reading it I will at least try to edit a touch. Make a little sense. Maybe.
So today’s post is an exercise in pushing past my resistance. To write despite myself. Fuck the schedule.
We’ll see how tomorrow goes.